Friday, February 3, 2012

Random Bible Verse of the Day: Ezekiel 4 (Wacky-ass Shit!)

Brutality is always the best cure
I was somewhat tempted to do an entry on Leviticus 20, where god goes on-and-freakin-on about the various kinky scenarios that would be grounds for killing two lovers.  Reading all the different permutations that are actually forbidden makes you wonder why he didn't go further.  I mean, 11 different possible kinkly relationships is kind of overboard - like he just kind of wanted to write about them for his own horny pleasure - but why not go the full 9?  Seriously, either god doesn't have a very imaginative mind or he just doesn't care about a lot of weird ass shit he failed or neglected to mention.  ...but I digress.

Instead of talk about sexual transgressions, let's get into some really fucked up shit.  Behold Ezekiel 4:1-15 (this passage is so bizarre and flummoxing, it requires no commentary):
God said, "Mortal man, get a brick, it in front of you, and scratch lines on it to represnt the city of Jerusalem.  Then, to represent a siege, put trenches, earth-works, camps, and battering rams all around it.  Take an iron pan and set it up like a wall between you and the city.  Face the city.  It is under siege, and you are the one besieging it.  This will be a sign to the nation of Israel.
Then lie down on your left side, and I will place on you the guild of the nation of Israel.  For 390 days you will stay there and suffer becuase of their guilt.  I have sentenced you to one day for each year their punishment will last.  When you finish that, turn over on your right side and suffer for the guilt of Judah for forty days - one day for each year of their punishment.
Fix you eyes on the siege of Jerusalem.  Shake your fist at the city and prophesy against it.  I will tie you up so that you cannot turn from one side to the other until the siege is over.
u guyz wanna play war w me? lol we can burn our own feces for food!!1
Now take some wheat, barley, beans, peas, millet, and spelt.  Mix them all together and make bread.  That is what you are to eat during the 390 days you are lying on your left side.  you will be allowed eight ounces of bread a day and it will have to last until the next day.  You will also have a limited amount of water to drink, two cups a day.  You are to build a fire out of dried human excrement, bake bread on the fire, and eat it where everyone can see you.
The Lord said, "This represents the way the Israelites will have to eat food which the Law forbids, when I scatter them to foreign countries.
But I replied, "No, Sogereign Lord!  I have never defiled myself.  From childhood on I have never eaten meat from any animal that died a natural death or was killed by wild animals.  I have never eaten any food considered unlcean."
So God said, "Very well.  I will let you use cow dung instead, and you can bake your bread on that."
TL;DR: God tells this dude to set up a little city, like you would when you were a kid, and play make-believe war with the city...for 390 days laying on his side the whole time!  While he 'plays' he can eat water and bread.  The catch is that the bread has to be cooked on a fire fueled by his own shit. Ya really.  The dude is like "hey god, this sounds lame and I'm a good guy!1!!" So god's all like "lol ok.  you can just use cow shit to cook your bread. kthxbai!"

If there is a god, he is a bizarre, capricious, twisted little fucker.

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