Monday, September 19, 2011

Better than Obamacare

The other day I was shopping in the Whole Foods getting some organic, free-range, pesticide-free, solar-powered, farts-rainbows chichen when I saw a thickly bearded guy at the checkout wearing a curious t-shit. At first I only saw the word “Jesus” in large lettering with something beneath it. I looked closer and it said “is my health insurance”. I only wish I had my phone on me at the time so I could have taken a picture of this fellow.
Better than lasik since 33AD

Now as an ex-Christian, this had a certain meaning to me; it was something I could understand from a religious perspective and could easily hear my pastor saying in a sermon in an attempt to convey the sense of security that a personal relationship with Jesus is supposed to foster; a typical mealy mouthed religious metaphor. But the atheist in me would have none of it!

Because if you think about it, what is this guy trying to convey, if you set aside the religious (and political) dog-whistle rhetoric? Is he suggesting that when he gets sick and the doctor gives him a prescription, he takes it to the pharmacist and instead of presenting an HMO card from Aetna, he just points to his shirt and says “Its cool - put this one on Jesus’ tab.”?

But actually when you think about it, maybe this approach makes sense since pastors are always telling their flock to tithe 10% of their income. Apparently this counts as some kind of premium for Jesus’ services. I guess I just never realized that the church was just a massive front for an insurance company. (It makes you wonder if missed premium payments will cause a lapse in coverage damning you to hell or just not having the benefit of a copay?)

I happen to have taken several insurance courses as an undergrad, and as I was thinking about this guy’s shirt, I remembered that you will often see “acts of God” included in the section that discusses causes of damage that are not covered. Now this has a specific definition in the insurance world, but if Jesus, the son of God, is your health insurance, then isn’t there a bit of a conflict of interest? Seriously, would, indeed - could, Jesus claim that anything wasn’t an act of God, his father? And if he did, would he be blaspheming himself? Got a full body rash of poison ivy? Shouldn’t have beat off last night - Act Of God. Got a case of the swine flu? Shouldn’t have eaten that filthy pork loin - Act Of God. Got yourself a case cervical cancer? Shouldn’t have been slutty whore - Act of God.

Seems to me that given the “acts of God” clause, Jesus would be a pretty shitty health insurance provider.

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Of course, I had to google “Jesus is my health insurance” and turns out its listed as one of the top
100 religious satire shirts. Shoulda known seeing it in a freakin Whole Foods store in a trendy suburban town.

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